% What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp before they were five years old. -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" % "People scoff at the idea of a robot uprising like we haven't spent decades arming our machines with blades." % #749697 +(1476)- [X] I HAVE DONE IT I HAVE BEATEN THE CLAW MACHINE I HAVE BURNT ITS FIELDS, AND HEARD THE LAMENTATIONS OF ITS WOMEN I got a teddy bear and a Shrek donkey <3 % "If you go to a Punch and Judy show and you're only watching the wires, you're a freak." -- Garth Marenghi's 'Darkplace' % A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armour. It was gilt by association. -- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch" % When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy. -- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % Overheard in NY: Together, They Slew Many Persians at the Alamo Dominican guy #1: Yo, there's this new movie coming out about that shit. It's like 300, and I've got a copy. You wanna borrow it? Dominican guy #2: Yeah. I'm a big history buff. Dominican guy #1: It's about Caesar, and, like, his magical sword... Dominican guy #2: Excalibur. Dominican guy #1: Yeah. --187th & Ft. Washington Overheard by: Et tu, Galahad? % And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?" % Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. % And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. % The best Windows accelerator is that which works at 9.81 meters/second squared. -- From a Slashdot.org post % Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee. % Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. % (bash_org) #45018 +(321)- [X] [Sober|wrk]: Christina Aguilera's Nipple Tweaker Goes on Strike [pHluid-]: This dude *quit* being Christina Aguilera's nipple tweaker? [Sober|wrk]: hehehe : pHluid- is away: Making a resume. % "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" % As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" % A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey." The bartender ignores him. "Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!" Still ignored. "HEY BARMAN!! GIMME A WHISKEY!!" The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." % SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will indubitable be damned. % *sigh* My todo list is like the fucking energizer bunny It keeps growing and growing and growing and ... % 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... -- "Twas the Night before Crisis" % Welcome to Utah. If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! % To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own. -- Lionel Strachey % The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. If it breaks then you get to keep both pieces. -- Copyright notice for the chat program % Haggis, n.: Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... gah, Excuse me a minute ... % If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. % Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. -- Frank Zappa % He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armour. It was gilt by association. -- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch" % Windows: Where do you want to go today? MacOS: Where do you want to be tomorrow? Linux: Are you coming or what? -- Linux Journal % Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's. -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 -- I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... ... an arctic wilderness. -- Steve Martin -- "I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, working for scale." -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" -- "this fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined" - April Wiza -- Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. -- Bash.org #785529 gazz: A bullet may have your name on it, but a grenade is addressed "to whom it may concern". --- Libra - September 23 - October 23 You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass. --- "Actions speak louder than words. Unless you're a cabbie [in downtown traffic], and then it's kind of a mix of both." - Grig Larson "Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse...." - Grig Larson "Ariana Grande sounds like [a] Microsoft font." - Grig Larson "***** - Five star cron job. Will run again." - Grig Larson --- * FOR(;;)TUNE LOOP: Repeatedly running fortune(6) for cheap entertainment. Example: "During a coffee break, Bob became bored and started a for(;;)tune loop. His boss had to issue a SIGTERM to get him to resume working." --- * knghtbrd ponders how to scare the living shit out of 87 people at once.. AHH! I can do it in 3 words!: Microsoft Visual COBOL. --- TOP TEN REASONS I LOVE RACING ------------------------------- 10."It's way more exciting than my previous job, running an unlicensed daycare." 9."When I win, 12 guys who smell like rubber and methanol run over and hug me." 8."Winning takes guts, determination and my lucky underpants." 7."All the motor oil I can drink." 6."Anything over 200 miles an hour I start making noises like a kitty! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow." 5."Just so my neighbors know who they're dealing with, when I mow the lawn I wear my helmet." 4."Switch the "R" and the "C" in 'Racing' and you get 'Caring'." 3."All the excitement of driving like a New York City cab driver without the risk of getting shot." 2."Between the g-forces and the fumes, I get a good buzz." 1."In racing, Jose Canseco doesn't stick your ass with a needle." --- Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!" --- #256715 +(1155)- [X] my irc logs kept me going throughout my 6 months offline you need to get out more often. i did, i took printouts --- There are fake bisexuals. Little known fact. Up to 40% of self proclaimed "bisexuals" are actually just a swarm of bees in a trench coat desperately mimicking human form following a colony collapse. Be kind to them, they have lost their hive. --- If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method" --- The Assassin moved quietly from roof to roof until he was well away from the excitement around the Watch House. His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things. -- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch" --- #65215 +(328)- [X] i hear that every year the piro comes out of his hole in the ground and if he sees his shadow we will have 6 more weeks of delayed comics --- #402026 +(1777)- [X] whats up? A direction away from the center of gravity of a celestial object. --- I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion. -- Isaac Asimov --- #639597 +(1018)- [X] 1 in every 5 people are born in China. That's why you should never have more than 4 children. --- "Emily Chambers was my Alamo. There were no survivors." - John Green --- Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. -- Seen in a Ladies' Room at Harvard --- (270): View more from Kentucky Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheez-wiz on a communion wafer. Replies (5) Good night (1347) Bad night (1052) -- #73182 +(533)- [X] the internet is boring i want the expansion pack -- Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it ... -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" -- [The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank. -- Lewis Black -- "I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike." - Willie Nelson -- "Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave." -- Professor Farnsworth , Futurama (3ACV06 - Bendless Love) -- mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -- Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you can't understand. -- The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. -- Jim Samuels -- There was an old man of St. Bees, Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. When asked, "Does it hurt?" He relied, "No, it doesn't. I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." -- W. S. Gilbert -- #43213 +(312)- [X] 4 days and I'm 16! I am 15.987066 years old 4 days and we can have legal sex0r in colorado! >:D ... 4 days and I'm 12** We can have legal sex0r in Kentucky! >:D hahahah ur not related Oh shit. :( -- #7119 +(567)- [X] <---------> hmm... the set of all real numbers (*michael) The set of all real numbers, now only $99.99! Order now and get a complimentary imaginary number commemorative plate free with your order. -- He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" -- The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first. (Arno Schaefer's .sig) -- (804): Virginia ...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks -- VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? -- William Safire's rules for writing as seen in the New York Times Do not put statements in the negative form. And don't start sentences with a conjunction. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague. -- #396287 +(357)- [X] drombie, you need to up your social skills Clarify just because someone says they think youre funny doesnt mean they want to have sex with you :P SO THATS WHY I GOT ARRESTED -- If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the punchline. -- A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. -- Gore Vidal -- If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. -- We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs -- Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -- A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to f*** Northern women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out of the bar. The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to f*** New York women." The guy took one look at him, blanched and ran out of the bar. The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to f*** your sister." The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." -- /* * [...] Note that 120 sec is defined in the protocol as the maximum * possible RTT. I guess we'll have to use something other than TCP * to talk to the University of Mars. * PAWS allows us longer timeouts and large windows, so once implemented * ftp to mars will work nicely. */ -- from /usr/src/linux/net/inet/tcp.c, concerning RTT [round trip time] -- Readers Ask: Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. -- When I said "deadly neurotoxin," the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff. Put in on cereal, rub it right into my eyes... honestly, it's not deadly at all... to *me*. You, on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness... a lot less funny. -- GLaDOS -- Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon ____ If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? ____ okay, I lied. I don't have my license to kill, but I do have my learner's permit. as soon as my mom gets here, you're toast. ____ Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. ____ Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small orchard in his honor; the trees all have square roots. ____ I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot. -- George Bernard Shaw ____ What's the difference between a Jersey girl and a bag of trash? The trash gets picked up. ____ ___________________ ( Linnnnnnnnnnnnnux ) ------------------- o , , o /( )` o \ \___ / | o /- _ `-/ ' o (/\/ \ \ /\ o / / | ` \ o O O ) / | o `-^--'`< ' .--. (_.) _ ) / |o_o | `.___/` / |:_/ | `-----' / //<- \ \----. __ / __ \ (| <- | )---|====O)))==) \) /==== /'\ <- _/`\---' `--' `.__,' \ \___)=(___/ | | \ / ______( (_ / \______ ,' ,-----' | \ `--{__________) \/ ____ Today is Sweetmorn, the 48th day of Discord in the YOLD 3173 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" ____ After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. ____ Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. ____ Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't. ____ Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. ____ Today is Setting Orange, the 30th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. ____ Today is Boomtime, the 32nd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 Laws of Computer Programming: (1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. (2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. (3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. (4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. (5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. (6) The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. (7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. ____ Today is Prickle-Prickle, the 34th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. ____ You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you? Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! -- The Palindromist ____ In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. ____ Whoa...I did a 'zcat /vmlinuz > /dev/audio' and I think I heard God... -- mikecd on #Linux ____ Today is Setting Orange, the 35th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy. ____ Today is Sweetmorn, the 36th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 job interview, n.: The excruciating process during which personnel officers separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. ____ Today is Boomtime, the 37th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 QOTD: Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives. ____ The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. - Quentin Crisp ____ Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks! - Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata ____ Today is Setting Orange, the 50th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 Celebrate Chaoflux Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? -- Ogden Nash ____ Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ____ The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. - Solomon Short ____ Today is Boomtime, the 52nd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 Brief History Of Linux (#27) Microsoft's position as the 5,000 pound gorilla of the computer industry didn't change during the 1990's. Indeed, this gorilla got even more bloated with every passing Windows release. Bill Gates' business strategy was simple: 1. Pre-announce vaporous product. 2. Hire monkeys (low-paid temps) to cruft something together in VB 3. It it compiles, ship it. 4. Launch marketing campaign for new product showcasing MS "innovation". 5. Repeat (GOTO 1). With such a plan Microsoft couldn't fail. That is, unless some external force popped up and ruined everything. Such as Linux and the Internet perhaps. Both of these developments were well-known to Bill Gates in the early and mid 1990's (a company as large as Microsoft can afford a decent spy network, after all). He just considered both to be mere fads that would go away when Microsoft announced some new innovation, like PDAs -- Personal Desktop Agents (i.e. Bob and Clippit). ____ Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? A: Open other end. ____ No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one. - Elbert Hubbard Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. - Dan Rather ____ Today is Sweetmorn, the 56th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 So what is the best way to protect yourself against the ILOVEYOU virus? Install Linux. If that's not an option, try uninstalling Windows. -- Geoff Johnson ____ Today is Setting Orange, the 60th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 Hail Eris, Hack Linux! "`Maybe somebody here tipped off the Galactic Police,' said Trillian. `Everybody saw you come in.' `You mean they want to arrest me over the phone?' said Zaphod, `Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.' `Yeah,' said a voice from under the table [Ford's now completely rat- arsed at this point], `you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.'" - Zaphod getting paranoid over a phone call. ____ Today is Boomtime, the 62nd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 Umlaut Zebra über alles! Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman ____ Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"/ Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." - Charles M. Schulz ____ Today is Setting Orange, the 70th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce ____ Today is Pungenday, the 73rd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174 Fnord. Ambrose I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(phi)! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ____ QOTD: Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. ____ Ever Onward! Ever Onward! That's the sprit that has brought us fame. We're big but bigger we will be, We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity Has been our aim. Our products now are known in every zone. Our reputation sparkles like a gem. We've fought our way thru And new fields we're sure to conquer, too For the Ever Onward IBM! -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook ____ It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. -- Groucho Marx ____ Today is Prickle-Prickle, the 16th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174 "How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "FIFTEEN!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" ____ Today is Setting Orange, the 27th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174 All Hail Discordia! A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has entered the mystery of the Tao." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" ____ While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if you burn, madam." ____ Today is Setting Orange, the 32nd day of Discord in the YOLD 3174 Umlaut Zebra über alles! I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". -- Steven Wright ____ Today is Sweetmorn, the 33rd day of Discord in the YOLD 3174 P'tang! If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe ____ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams ____ Today is Pungenday, the 35th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174 All Hail Discordia! You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike. ____ Why does Mexico never win a gold medal in the Olympics? Because any Mexicans that can run, jump or swim are in America. ____ I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image. - Stephen Hawking ____ Today is Sweetmorn, the 38th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174 All Hail Discordia! prototype, n.: First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work. ____ Intel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. The phrase was "Divide and conquer" not "Divide and cock up" ____ network down, IP packets delivered via UPS ____ "It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." -- Alfred Adler ____ "Go back to sleep, America. Here's some American Gladiator for you to watch." - Bill Hicks ____ Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug Larson ____ The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts at rational thinking. Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable. Since the earliest days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. It was, for centuries, an apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings. - H. L. Mencken ____ If Microsoft uses the breakup as an opportunity to port Office, and its infernal Dancing Paper Clip, to my Linux operating system, heads will fly! I'll track down that idiot who created Clippit and sic a killer penguin on him! -- Linus Torvalds, when asked by Humorix for his reaction to the proposed Microsoft two-way split ____ meetings (n): A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. ____ Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. ____ "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway." -- Steven Wright ____ "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -- Johnny Carson ____ Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ____ "Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more." -- Addison H. Hallock ____ Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files. ____ A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash ____ The bank sent our statement this morning, The red ink was a sight of great awe! Their figures and mine might have balanced, But my wife was too quick on the draw. ____ Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. - Claud Cockburn ____ "I can see the intent. I can also see that the code doesn't match up to the intent. I call that a bug. You don't. Fine." - Linus Torvalds rejecting a patch on linux-kernel ____ Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. ____ Husband: What do you want for your birthday? Wife: A divorce. Husband: Huh. I wasn't planning on spending that much. ____ Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. ____ "Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. " -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" ____ Q: How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at a party? A: Invite two Baptists. ____ The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? I feel together today! -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" ____ BASIC, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. ____ "It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same." ____ "Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief or dogma. It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is counterfeit and what is genuine. And a recognition of how costly it may be to fail to do so. To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one's own allegiances. To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim. -- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility," New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988 ____ Old Japanese proverb: There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, and those who climb it twice. ____ Confidant, confidante, n: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ____ Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. -- Bertrand Russell ____ Today is Pungenday, the 42nd day of Confusion in the YOLD 3174 Fnord. ____ If a system is administered wisely, its users will be content. They enjoy hacking their code and don't waste time implementing labor-saving shell scripts. Since they dearly love their accounts, they aren't interested in other machines. There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, but these don't access any hosts. There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, but nobody ever uses them. People enjoy reading their mail, take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, spend weekends working at their terminals, delight in the doings at the site. And even though the next system is so close that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, they are content to die of old age without ever having gone to see it. ____ I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield ____ Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. (1) Horses have an even number of legs. (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: Intimidation Gesticulation (handwaving) "Try it; it works" Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) Blatant assertion Changing all the 2's to n's Mutual consent Lack of a counterexample, and "It stands to reason" _____ He sees you when you're sleeping, He knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good, He has ties with the CIA. _____ Fark.com, 5/22/08: "Obama wins Oregon; Hillary loses three oxen fording the river, and two members of her party have dysentery" _____ "Winning the lottery is like slipping your hand into the bra of the most beautiful woman in the world, then getting it stuck and having to saw it off at the wrist." - Anon _____ "Listen - all I want out of my life is for my bank account to have $58,008 in it, so that when I read my statement upside down, it says "BOOBS". -- TODAY'S CHAMPION: Worst ever answer to "What do you want out of your investments?" -- Dinosaur Comics ______ "Nerds usually harness their obsessive knowledge-mongering to a useful end, like improving technology or making money. Geeks, though, they pour and endless fascination with the world into purposefully constricting channels, like collecting records or learning Klingon or building an HO scale model of 1920's New York with toothpicks. Dorks have nothing in common with them except for basic social ineptitude." -- Cat And Girl ______ "Piss! crap, my boy annihilated and dissects princess-knees; hurriedly a cucumber diced that mega jolly animalistic dragon." - context-free grammar sentence ______ "You're a great architect and a miserable human being" - Life as a House ______ "What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance." -- Havelock Ellis ______ "Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant." - Scott Adams ______ The Limerick Formula: There once was a [person] from [place] Whose [body part] was [special case]. When [event] would occur, It would cause [him or her] To violate [law of time/space]. ______ Today is Prickle-Prickle, the 58th day of Confusion in the YOLD 3174 Keep the Lasagna flying! I know. Unless htere is a cookie monster somewhere between us tat muches the amil. amil/mail muches/munches tat/that htere/there heheh problems? :) * Myxie needs an ircii addon that pipes teh command line through ispell :) -- Seen on #Debian ____ Brief History Of Linux (#24) Linus Torvalds quotes from his interview in "LinuxNews" (October 1992): "I doubt Linux will be here to stay, and maybe Hurd is the wave of the future (and maybe not)..." "I'm most certainly going to continue to support it, until it either dies out or merges with something else. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll make weekly patches for the rest of my life, but hopefully they won't be needed as much when things stabilize." [If only he knew what he was getting into.] "World domination? No, I'm not interested in that. Galactic domination, on the other hand..." "Several people have already wondered if Linux should adopt a logo or mascot. Somebody even suggested a penguin for some strange reason, which I don't particularly like: how is a flightless bird supposed to represent an operating system? Well, it might work okay for Microsoft or even Minix..." "I would give Andy Tanenbaum a big fat 'F'." ____ Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO (or Linux) is the answer. (Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown) _____ 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR (1) Scarecrow for centipedes (2) Dead cat brush (3) Hair barrettes (4) Cleats (5) Self-piercing earrings (6) Fungus trellis (7) False eyelashes (8) Prosthetic dog claws . . . (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) (100) Killer velcro (101) Currency ____ What's the capitol of Haiti? $1.50 ____ QOTD: "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." ____ Dear Mythbusters: I'd like to know if Kari is better in bed than my last girlfriend. My own home experiments have so far been inconclusive, as I am forced to settle for imitation Kari, though I keep plugging away in case I might reach a breakthrough. ____ Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age he's likely to die soon." ____ Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon. ____ Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers. ____ Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" ____ "`Eddies,' said Ford, `in the space-time continuum.' `Ah,' nodded Arthur, `is he? Is he?'" - Arthur failing in his first lesson of galactic physics in four years. ____ Knock, knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET! (Sorry.) ____ Mick Jagger's first job as a teenager was at a peat harvesting facility. He had to cut the peat into blocks, package it, and repeat. He got fired the first day, though. Cause, you know, a Rolling Stone gathers no moss. ____ "As this graduating class enters the workforce, I would encourage you to question authority; just don't do it on your blog site where your future employer might see it." ____ If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? ____ Q: Are you a pole vaulter? A: No, I am German and my name is Heinrich ___ Democracy is 4 wolves and a lamb voting on what's for lunch. ___ We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. __ If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. __ If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. __ You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids. -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" __ There once was a man from Dunoon, Who always ate soup with a fork. He said "When I eat Either fish, foul or flesh, I otherwise finish too quick." ____ Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think. ____ Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste. (By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski) ____ Commandment #12592 Oh ye who go about saying unto each: "Hello sailor": Dost thou know the magnitude of thy sin before the gods? Yea, verily, thou shalt be ground between two stones. Shall the angry gods cast thy body into the whirlpool? Surely, thy eye shall be put out with a sharp stick! Even unto the ends of the earth shalt thou wander and Unto the land of the dead shalt thou be sent at last. Surely thou shalt repent of thy cunning. ____ When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. ____ My mind is like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states. ____ If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ____ I intend to live forever - so far, so good. ____ Mother is the invention of necessity. ____ One bright Sunday morning, in the shadows of the steeple, By the Relief Office, I seen my people; As they stood there hungry, I stood there whistling, This land was made for you and me. Nobody living can ever stop me, As I go walking that freedom highway; Nobody living can ever make me turn back, This land was made for you and me. As I went walking, I saw a sign there, And on the sign it said: "No Trespassing." But on the other side, it didn't say nothing, That side was made for you and me. -- Woody Guthrie, "This Land Is Your Land" (verses 4, 6, 7) [If you ever wondered why Arlo was so anti-establishment when his dad wrote such wonderful patriotic songs, the answer is that you haven't heard all of Woody's songs] ____ Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" ____ It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. ____ Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. -- Pete Seeger ___ Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested,"make him a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came in second," Palmer replied. "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." __ Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. ___ "A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider godfearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side." [Aristotle (384-322 BCE), "Politics"] ___ There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. ___ "You can tell the WoW players because during a party, they find the drunk girls, strip off their clothes and try to sell the fabric scraps to the nearest vendor." - Fark.com ___ Juan and Carlos panhandle on the highway in California. Juan drives a Mercedes and drops Carlos off at exit 9 every day before continuing to exit 8. At the end of every day, Juan gets a briefcase full of $10 bills and then drives to pick up Carlos. Every day Carlos goes home with a few dollars at the most. One day Carlos asks Juan, "Every day we beg on the same highway and everyday you come home with a case full of $10 bills and I come home with nickels. What's your secret? " Juan asked to see Carlos's sign. It read, "Will Work For Food." At that point Juan said, "That's the problem right there." He showed Carlos his sign: 'All I need is $10 to get back to Mexico' ___ There was a young girl of Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling There was never a sound For miles around Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. __ MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. __ Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? A: The impossible dream. __ There is brutality and there is honesty. There is no such thing as brutal honesty. __ FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 WITLESS: Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. ____ "To rebel against a powerful political, economic, religious, or social establishment is very dangerous and very few people do it, except, perhaps, as part of a mob. To rebel against the "scientific" establishment, however, is the easiest thing in the world, and anyone can do it and feel enormously brave, without risking as much as a hangnail. Thus, the vast majority, who believe in astrology and think that the planets have nothing better to do than form a code that will tell them whether tomorrow is a good day to close a business deal or not, become all the more excited and enthusiastic about the bilge when a group of astronomers denounces it." [Isaac Asimov] -- I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development That' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb. Thank you. -- Vance Petree, Virginia Power -- If televison's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up. -- Dorothy Gambrell -- "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that it was enough to make a blown man cry." -- Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning. -- The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. -- "Oh great, but not necessarily superior, being who dwells beyond this plane of existence and who is accessible only through prayer, meditation, or crystals, we salute you without thereby acknowledging that you are entitled to greater respect than that accorded any other endangered species. We hope to pass through your plane of existence at some point on our psychic journey to the same exalted status as marine mammals or even snail darters. Moreover, to the extent your design for the universe coincides with the U.S. Constitution and includes low-cost access to cable, we ask you to provide us our minimum daily requirement of essential vitamins and nutrients consistent with FDA guidelines, and when judging us be duly mindful or our status as victim, which provides full justification for what might appear on superficial examination to be felonious. In the same vein, we will endeavor to excuse and forgive those who have transgressed against us, with the possible exception of our parents, teachers, policemen and clergy about whom we have just resurrected disturbing memories. We ask all this in the name of your prophet --------. (Here on alternating weeks substitute names drawn from the consensus of the class. Some suggestions for early in the year: L. Ron Hubbard, Ayatollah Khomeini, Patricia Ireland, Mike Wallace.)" [John F. Bramfeld, a lawyer in Urbana, Ill., as printed in "Wall Street Journal" Pg A-18 Thurs, Jan 12, 1995, contemplating what would happen to school prayer after it was filtered through the apparatus of politically correct educrats.] __ "A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird." __ TOP TEN WAYS THE IRS CAN IMPROVE IT'S IMAGE ----------------------------------------------- 10. Change name from "I.R.S." to "F.U.N." 9. Tell dumb guys that "I.R.S." stands for "International House of Pancakes." 8. If your auditor doesn't have minty-fresh breath, you don't pay a dime. 7. New ad campaign: 3 lovable frogs that say, "I," "R," "S." 6. In addition to the short form and the long form, introduce an extra-long form called the "Magnum." 5. Two words: deductible fudge. 4. Publish pamphlet: "101 ways to cheat on your taxes and not get caught." 3. From now on, if you're short on cash, you can pay in "good vibes." 2. Throw Leona Helmsley in jail again. 1. Stop hassling folks, dude. __ Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. __ Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. __ The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks -- Microsoft is a cross between the Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately, they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming. -- Simon Slavin -- (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, all horses are black. -- The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -- My team is better than your team. This is because of various reasons involving factors not related to the place you or I happen to identify with, for any number of hypothetical possibilities, up to and including the weather where you live or where may have been raised. Anyone associated with that team is inferior, and you are therefore inferior by association. I think lesser of you and regardless of what other endearing qualities you might have, I cannot like you so that I may help further perpetuate this artificial rivalry which was started long ago by people who have since passed on. By conveying to you the taint of failure one member of your team has brought upon themselves, I'm in effect saying that you are as bad as that player, and are worthy of whatever scorn I may heap upon you. So there. -- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright -- Pittsburgh driver's test (10) Potholes are (a) extremely dangerous. (b) patriotic. (c) the fault of the previous administration. (d) all going to be fixed next summer. The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about. -- "About half." [Pope John XXIII, when asked how many people work in the Vatican, from Gordon Thomas & Max Morgan-Witts, "Pontiff", p. 337] -- fark.com Headline #4650450 - U.S. Senator Mel Martinez (R-Fla) says he's resigning, leaving office this month thomps: he's like a point guard, passing off the ball to his small forward so that he can better serve florida rather than lame duck and people should leave his children alone because we eat therefore we hunt! Diogenes: You forgot the soldiers. thomps: no you forgot the soldiers and that's why real america needs martinez on the fundraising trail much more than it needs him in congress. you should be ashamed. Diogenes: Touche! I bow to your superior Palinness. -- bash.org #897655 I don't understand why churches and 'family groups' spend millions of dollars a year on abstinence-only instruction when a World of Warcraft account only costs fifteen dollars a month and has a much better record of ensuring virginity. -- KEEPING UP WITH THE CARDASSIANS Episode One Garak gets busted for a DUI and is caught on tape assaulting the officer and blaming his troubles on Klingon bloodwine. The Cardassians are accused of using photon torpedoes on paparazzi who are trying to snap photos of them at the Playboy Mansion. Episode Two A sex tape featuring Legate Damar's daughter Kata and two Ferengi club owners circulates around the Federation of Planets. Dukat posts a rant on his blog dissing Snoop Dogg and starts a West Coast-Delta Quadrant rap war. Episode Three Legate Damar's daughters want Lil Wayne to sing at their sweet-16 party. After much convincing, Lil Wayne agrees to do it in exchange for a Galor-class starship with custom Romulan rims. Garak's daughter Seska drops a record and sets out on a tour to promote her new single, "Touch My Nebula." Episode Four Kata runs into the cast of The Hills at Forty Deuce and renews her fling with Brody. They get into a fight in the parking lot and a YouTube clip shows Kata crying and telling Brody, "I can't read your mind-I'm not a Betazoid!" Episode Five The Damar girls go shopping on Rodeo Drive and their intergalactic MasterCard is denied. They call their father, who tells them money doesn't grow in replicators. Seska meets the Jonas Brothers on tour; rumors of Joe Jonas caressing her neck ridges at a Grammy party surface on Perez Hilton. Season Finale Kata is approached by Joe Francis to host Borgs Gone Wild 2: Resistance to Flashing Is Futile. She accepts and has a tearful goodbye with the Hilton sisters at a club. Seska starts dating Mickey Rourke, who acknowledges her in an award-acceptance speech as "my ridge-headed angel." -- A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name should be masculine or feminine. After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and went on their way rather quickly. He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he asked. "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were masculine." "Unhhh... Well, why not?" "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she go!'" [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] --- The problems of three billion people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.. --- It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty. --- (715): i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick. --- the united negro college fund: helping youth avoid being on a fox tv show on saturday nights for 25 years --- What I Did During My Fall Semester On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. Then I hung out in front of the Dover. On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. Then I hung out in front of the Dover. On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. I found a thesis topic: How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. -- Sister Mary Elephant, "Student Statement for Black Friday" --- "[Gold] gets dug out of the ground in Africa, or someplace. Then we melt it down, dig another hole, bury it again and pay people to stand around guarding it. It has no utility. Anyone watching from Mars would be scratching their head." -- Warren Buffett --- FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3 You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee. You: (a) Tell him you take your coffee black. (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his "In" basket. (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes. --- #89997 +(1595)- [X] There were 2 people on a boat: /hop and /quit. /hop got off, who's still on the boat? * nipple_frog has quit IRC --- Ironic how shit works out...my theory is this...no matter how much life wants to fuck me in the ass, things always turn out somewhat good Like a metaphorical reach-around, if you will --- There once was a man named Bertold Who drank beer when the weather grew cold As he reached for his cup... "NEEEEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!!!" Oh, snap! You just got limerickrolled! -- #755062 +(273)- [X] Zedian: D&D Monopoly Pregga Zexas: "I land at Wallstreet Avenue and roll a critical hit so all of the orcs in your hotels die." -- thisismykittyx: so i went into victoria's secret and asked one of the bra-fitting ladies if they carried AAs. thisismykittyx: and the lady goes, "try radioshack". -- #24755 +(782)- [X] Dude, you're an op on IRC. You're a geek. not really, i just gave the channel owner nude photos of my sister Wow. Why do you have nude photos of your sister? -- #244654 +(160)- [X] * ProdigalGenius (~cicilianr@resnet65-241.ucr.edu) Quit (Read error: Connection reset by peer) Who is peer and why is he running around the net resetting connections? Peer is a drunkard who beats his kids and resets connections because his inability to retain fluids, more specifically of an urinal nature, prevents him from remaining dry for more than 20 minutes, causing him much ridicule and disdain. This is a frustration which has scarred him, and some accounts inform that he has been seen wading on his own pool of piss screaming "I AM NO BEDWETTER I AM NO BEDWETTER". -- 雄牛からの肥料 - fertilizer from bull --- #16271 +(149)- [X] im not a girl not yet a woman <[m1]> so you still tuck? --- #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you? --- chickcorea1357: i was so high that the fractal elves started asking me what the hell I had been smoking --- Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. --- [Slow modem] __ ______/ | |= | | |= | | |= | | __________ |______|__|(/ ^ | \\ _ )____(__ \_+ |_| \_\|| | | `""|\/ \/ /|| | | | ___/ /_|| | d| | ( _uuu__)(( a| | | (______) n| | | | || a| | | | _||_ | | |_|//||\\ '98|___________|/__|()()() --- "Sunday mornings should not be spent sitting in a room with old people pretending to talk to their invisible sky buddy." -- #713121 +(221)- [X] poetically kyle: my gramma's funny...we were driving behind a short bus and she saw all the helmets and she was like "OH LOOK! HOCKEY PLAYERS!" -- "I still think Juggalos are an elaborate joke that will one day culminate in the return of Andy Kaufman." - FARK.com user Ashtrey -- "I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage." -- The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. -- On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a normal person?" -- #757250 +(473)- [X] (Deranged): If you're driving a hearse with a corpse in the back, is it ok to use the carpool lane on the highway? -- (206): Washington Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio. -- Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men, For though the world stood up And stopped the bastard, The bitch that bore him is in heat again. -- Bertolt Brecht --- The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: King: "How goes the battle plan?" Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" K: "Yes." A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till the dust clears." K: "And?" A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." ---