^catalyst> we're a bunch of geeks, we collectively know everything.
WhiteyFord> yeah.. some of us even know how to get laid
Redback> im sure a large majority know how WhiteyFord
Redback> its just some strugle with the prerequsites
%
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of
us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were,
long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till
at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he look
peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars
and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in
life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp
before they were five years old.
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
"People scoff at the idea of a robot uprising like we haven't spent
decades arming our machines with blades."
%
#749697 +(1476)- [X]
Suriko> I HAVE DONE IT
Suriko> I HAVE BEATEN THE CLAW MACHINE
Suriko> I HAVE BURNT ITS FIELDS, AND HEARD THE LAMENTATIONS OF ITS WOMEN
Suriko> I got a teddy bear and a Shrek donkey <3
%
"If you go to a Punch and Judy show and you're only watching the wires, you're a freak."
-- Garth Marenghi's 'Darkplace'
%
A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove
anything.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid
ornamental armour. It was gilt by association.
-- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch"
%
When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.
-- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
Overheard in NY:
Together, They Slew Many Persians at the Alamo
Dominican guy #1: Yo, there's this new movie coming out about that
shit. It's like 300, and I've got a copy. You wanna borrow it?
Dominican guy #2: Yeah. I'm a big history buff.
Dominican guy #1: It's about Caesar, and, like, his magical sword...
Dominican guy #2: Excalibur.
Dominican guy #1: Yeah.
--187th & Ft. Washington
Overheard by: Et tu, Galahad?
%
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground
of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood
revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
%
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
%
The best Windows accelerator is that which works at 9.81 meters/second squared.
-- From a Slashdot.org post
%
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
coffee.
%
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
%
(bash_org)
#45018 +(321)- [X]
[Sober|wrk]: Christina Aguilera's Nipple Tweaker Goes on
Strike
[pHluid-]: This dude *quit* being Christina Aguilera's
nipple tweaker?
[Sober|wrk]: hehehe
: pHluid- is away: Making a resume.
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%
A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey."
The bartender ignores him.
"Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!"
Still ignored.
"HEY BARMAN!! GIMME A WHISKEY!!"
The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
%
SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of
authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments,
but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can
afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller
sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will
indubitable be damned.
%
*sigh* My todo list is like the fucking energizer bunny
It keeps growing and growing and growing and ...
%
'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
-- "Twas the Night before Crisis"
%
Welcome to Utah.
If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
%
To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.
-- Lionel Strachey
%
The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license.
If it breaks then you get to keep both pieces.
-- Copyright notice for the chat program
%
Haggis, n.:
Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... gah, Excuse me a minute
...
%
If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
%
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
can't talk for people who can't read.
-- Frank Zappa
%
He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid
ornamental armour. It was gilt by association.
-- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch"
%
Windows: Where do you want to go today?
MacOS: Where do you want to be tomorrow?
Linux: Are you coming or what?
-- Linux Journal
%
Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
are another's.
-- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
--
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was...
... an arctic wilderness.
-- Steve Martin
--
"I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
working for scale."
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
--
"this fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined" - April Wiza
--
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
--
Bash.org #785529
gazz: A bullet may have your name on it, but a grenade is
addressed "to whom it may concern".
---
Libra - September 23 - October 23
You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by
howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
---
"Actions speak louder than words. Unless you're a cabbie [in downtown traffic], and then it's kind of a mix of both." - Grig Larson
"Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse...." - Grig Larson
"Ariana Grande sounds like [a] Microsoft font." - Grig Larson
"***** - Five star cron job. Will run again." - Grig Larson
---
* FOR(;;)TUNE LOOP: Repeatedly running fortune(6) for cheap entertainment.
Example: "During a coffee break, Bob became bored and started a
for(;;)tune loop. His boss had to issue a SIGTERM to get him to resume
working."
---
* knghtbrd ponders how to scare the living shit out of 87 people at once..
AHH! I can do it in 3 words!:
Microsoft Visual COBOL.
---
TOP TEN REASONS I LOVE RACING
-------------------------------
10."It's way more exciting than my previous job, running an unlicensed daycare."
9."When I win, 12 guys who smell like rubber and methanol run over and hug me."
8."Winning takes guts, determination and my lucky underpants."
7."All the motor oil I can drink."
6."Anything over 200 miles an hour I start making noises like a kitty! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow."
5."Just so my neighbors know who they're dealing with, when I mow the lawn I wear my helmet."
4."Switch the "R" and the "C" in 'Racing' and you get 'Caring'."
3."All the excitement of driving like a New York City cab driver without the risk of getting shot."
2."Between the g-forces and the fumes, I get a good buzz."
1."In racing, Jose Canseco doesn't stick your ass with a needle."
---
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
---
#256715 +(1155)- [X]
my irc logs kept me going throughout my 6 months
offline
you need to get out more often.
i did, i took printouts
---
There are fake bisexuals.
Little known fact.
Up to 40% of self proclaimed "bisexuals" are actually just a swarm
of bees in a trench coat desperately mimicking human form following
a colony collapse.
Be kind to them, they have lost their hive.
---
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method"
---
The Assassin moved quietly from roof to roof until he was well away from
the excitement around the Watch House. His movements could be called
cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.
-- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch"
---
#65215 +(328)- [X]
i hear that every year the piro comes out of
his hole in the ground and if he sees his shadow we will
have 6 more weeks of delayed comics
---
#402026 +(1777)- [X]
whats up?
A direction away from the center of gravity of a
celestial object.
---
I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
honest difference of opinion.
-- Isaac Asimov
---
#639597 +(1018)- [X]
1 in every 5 people are born in China.
That's why you should never have more than 4
children.
---
"Emily Chambers was my Alamo. There were no survivors." - John Green
---
Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
-- Seen in a Ladies' Room at Harvard
---
(270): View more from Kentucky
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a
not-slutty costume is like putting cheez-wiz on a communion wafer.
Replies (5) Good night (1347) Bad night (1052)
--
#73182 +(533)- [X]
the internet is boring
i want the expansion pack
--
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about
problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that
if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be
embarrassingly good at it ...
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
--
[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll
repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried
about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch
weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a
goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too
far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your
hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.
-- Lewis Black
--
"I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven
Tour de France races while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike."
- Willie Nelson
--
"Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave."
-- Professor Farnsworth , Futurama (3ACV06 - Bendless Love)
--
mythology, n.:
The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
--
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
--
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
-- Jim Samuels
--
There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He relied, "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
-- W. S. Gilbert
--
#43213 +(312)- [X]
4 days and I'm 16!
I am 15.987066 years old
4 days and we can have legal sex0r in colorado!
>:D
...
4 days and I'm 12**
We can have legal sex0r in Kentucky!
>:D
hahahah
ur not related
Oh shit. :(
--
#7119 +(567)- [X]
<--------->
hmm...
the set of all real numbers
(*michael) The set of all real numbers, now only $99.99!
Order now and get a complimentary imaginary number
commemorative plate free with your order.
--
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the
cabbages.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
--
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a
dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
(Arno Schaefer's .sig)
--
(804): Virginia
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in
a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
--
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
--
William Safire's rules for writing as seen in the New York Times
Do not put statements in the negative form.
And don't start sentences with a conjunction.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great
deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague.
--
#396287 +(357)- [X]
drombie, you need to up your social skills
Clarify
just because someone says they think youre funny doesnt mean they want to have sex with you :P
SO THATS WHY I GOT ARRESTED
--
If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the punchline.
--
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
-- Gore Vidal
--
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
--
We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
-- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
--
Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
--
A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to f*** Northern
women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
of the bar.
The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
bad and I *loves* to f*** New York women." The guy took one look at him,
blanched and ran out of the bar.
The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to f*** your sister."
The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
--
/*
* [...] Note that 120 sec is defined in the protocol as the maximum
* possible RTT. I guess we'll have to use something other than TCP
* to talk to the University of Mars.
* PAWS allows us longer timeouts and large windows, so once implemented
* ftp to mars will work nicely.
*/
-- from /usr/src/linux/net/inet/tcp.c, concerning RTT [round trip time]
--
Readers Ask:
Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be
avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires
more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But
you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
--
When I said "deadly neurotoxin," the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm
quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff. Put in on cereal, rub it
right into my eyes... honestly, it's not deadly at all... to *me*. You,
on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness... a lot less funny.
-- GLaDOS
--
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
____
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
____
okay, I lied. I don't have my license to kill, but I do have my
learner's permit. as soon as my mom gets here, you're toast.
____
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
____
Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a
small orchard in his honor; the trees all have square roots.
____
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an
idiot.
-- George Bernard Shaw
____
What's the difference between a Jersey girl and a bag of trash?
The trash gets picked up.
____
___________________
( Linnnnnnnnnnnnnux )
-------------------
o , ,
o /( )`
o \ \___ / |
o /- _ `-/ '
o (/\/ \ \ /\
o / / | ` \
o O O ) / |
o `-^--'`< '
.--. (_.) _ ) /
|o_o | `.___/` /
|:_/ | `-----' /
//<- \ \----. __ / __ \
(| <- | )---|====O)))==) \) /====
/'\ <- _/`\---' `--' `.__,' \
\___)=(___/ | |
\ /
______( (_ / \______
,' ,-----' | \
`--{__________) \/
____
Today is Sweetmorn, the 48th day of Discord in the YOLD 3173
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
____
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
____
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
the population is growing.
____
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
____
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
____
Today is Setting Orange, the 30th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
____
Today is Boomtime, the 32nd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
Laws of Computer Programming:
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.
____
Today is Prickle-Prickle, the 34th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not
consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have
anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
____
You can cage a swallow, can't you,
but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
-- The Palindromist
____
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
____
Whoa...I did a 'zcat /vmlinuz > /dev/audio' and I think I heard God...
-- mikecd on #Linux
____
Today is Setting Orange, the 35th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words
return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.
____
Today is Sweetmorn, the 36th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
job interview, n.:
The excruciating process during which personnel officers
separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
____
Today is Boomtime, the 37th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
QOTD:
Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
____
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we
have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think
about us.
- Quentin Crisp
____
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll
eat for weeks!
- Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata
____
Today is Setting Orange, the 50th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
Celebrate Chaoflux
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?
-- Ogden Nash
____
Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
____
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
- Solomon Short
____
Today is Boomtime, the 52nd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
Brief History Of Linux (#27)
Microsoft's position as the 5,000 pound gorilla of the computer industry
didn't change during the 1990's. Indeed, this gorilla got even more
bloated with every passing Windows release. Bill Gates' business
strategy
was simple:
1. Pre-announce vaporous product.
2. Hire monkeys (low-paid temps) to cruft something together in VB
3. It it compiles, ship it.
4. Launch marketing campaign for new product showcasing MS "innovation".
5. Repeat (GOTO 1).
With such a plan Microsoft couldn't fail. That is, unless some external
force popped up and ruined everything. Such as Linux and the Internet
perhaps. Both of these developments were well-known to Bill Gates in the
early and mid 1990's (a company as large as Microsoft can afford a
decent spy network, after all). He just considered both to be mere fads
that would go away when Microsoft announced some new innovation, like PDAs --
Personal Desktop Agents (i.e. Bob and Clippit).
____
Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A: Open other end.
____
No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.
- Elbert Hubbard
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
- Dan Rather
____
Today is Sweetmorn, the 56th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
So what is the best way to protect yourself against the ILOVEYOU virus?
Install Linux. If that's not an option, try uninstalling Windows.
-- Geoff Johnson
____
Today is Setting Orange, the 60th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
Hail Eris, Hack Linux!
"`Maybe somebody here tipped off the Galactic Police,' said
Trillian. `Everybody saw you come in.'
`You mean they want to arrest me over the phone?' said
Zaphod, `Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm
cornered.'
`Yeah,' said a voice from under the table [Ford's now
completely rat- arsed at this point], `you go to pieces so
fast people get hit by the shrapnel.'"
- Zaphod getting paranoid over a phone call.
____
Today is Boomtime, the 62nd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
Umlaut Zebra über alles!
Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again.
-- A. E. Housman
____
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"/
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
- Charles M. Schulz
____
Today is Setting Orange, the 70th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
____
Today is Pungenday, the 73rd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3174
Fnord.
Ambrose
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(phi)!
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
____
QOTD:
Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
____
Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
We're big but bigger we will be,
We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
Has been our aim.
Our products now are known in every zone.
Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
We've fought our way thru
And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
For the Ever Onward IBM!
-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
____
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy. -- Groucho Marx
____
Today is Prickle-Prickle, the 16th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174
"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"FIFTEEN!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
____
Today is Setting Orange, the 27th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174
All Hail Discordia!
A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are
perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose
self-evident. Truly, he has entered the mystery of the Tao."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
____
While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
you burn, madam."
____
Today is Setting Orange, the 32nd day of Discord in the YOLD 3174
Umlaut Zebra über alles!
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last
summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
-- Steven Wright
____
Today is Sweetmorn, the 33rd day of Discord in the YOLD 3174
P'tang!
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
____
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so.
- Douglas Adams
____
Today is Pungenday, the 35th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174
All Hail Discordia!
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
____
Why does Mexico never win a gold medal in the Olympics?
Because any Mexicans that can run, jump or swim are in America.
____
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature
that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life
in our own image.
- Stephen Hawking
____
Today is Sweetmorn, the 38th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174
All Hail Discordia!
prototype, n.:
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
prototype is not expected to work.
____
Intel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. The
phrase was "Divide and conquer" not "Divide and cock up"
____
network down, IP packets delivered via UPS
____
"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." -- Alfred Adler
____
"Go back to sleep, America. Here's some American Gladiator for you to
watch." - Bill Hicks
____
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
-- Doug Larson
____
The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only
opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts
at rational thinking. Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of
knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable. Since the earliest
days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every
effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and
everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad
laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. It was, for centuries, an
apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.
- H. L. Mencken
____
If Microsoft uses the breakup as an opportunity to port Office, and its
infernal Dancing Paper Clip, to my Linux operating system, heads will fly!
I'll track down that idiot who created Clippit and sic a killer penguin on him!
-- Linus Torvalds, when asked by Humorix for his reaction
to the proposed Microsoft two-way split
____
meetings (n): A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
____
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
____
"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."
-- Steven Wright
____
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-- Johnny Carson
____
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
____
"Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more."
-- Addison H. Hallock
____
Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.
____
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
- Ogden Nash
____
The bank sent our statement this morning,
The red ink was a sight of great awe!
Their figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
____
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
- Claud Cockburn
____
"I can see the intent.
I can also see that the code doesn't match up to the intent.
I call that a bug. You don't. Fine."
- Linus Torvalds rejecting a patch on linux-kernel
____
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
____
Husband: What do you want for your birthday?
Wife: A divorce.
Husband: Huh. I wasn't planning on spending that much.
____
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that
looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but
in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.
Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it.
____
"Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. " -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
____
Q: How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at a party?
A: Invite two Baptists.
____
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
I feel together today!
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
____
BASIC, n.:
A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
____
"It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same."
____
"Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief
or dogma. It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is
counterfeit and what is genuine. And a recognition of how costly it may
be to fail to do so. To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in
the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one's own
allegiances. To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim.
-- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility,"
New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.),
Spring 1988
____
Old Japanese proverb:
There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
and those who climb it twice.
____
Confidant, confidante, n:
One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
____
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
-- Bertrand Russell
____
Today is Pungenday, the 42nd day of Confusion in the YOLD 3174
Fnord.
____
If a system is administered wisely,
its users will be content.
They enjoy hacking their code
and don't waste time implementing
labor-saving shell scripts.
Since they dearly love their accounts,
they aren't interested in other machines.
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
but these don't access any hosts.
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy reading their mail,
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
spend weekends working at their terminals,
delight in the doings at the site.
And even though the next system is so close
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
they are content to die of old age
without ever having gone to see it.
____
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
____
Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
Intimidation
Gesticulation (handwaving)
"Try it; it works"
Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
Blatant assertion
Changing all the 2's to n's
Mutual consent
Lack of a counterexample, and
"It stands to reason"
_____
He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake.
He knows when you've been bad or good,
He has ties with the CIA.
_____
Fark.com, 5/22/08:
"Obama wins Oregon; Hillary loses three oxen fording the river, and two
members of her party have dysentery"
_____
"Winning the lottery is like slipping your hand into the bra of the most
beautiful woman in the world, then getting it stuck and having to saw it
off at the wrist." - Anon
_____
"Listen - all I want out of my life is for my bank account to have
$58,008 in it, so that when I read my statement upside down, it says
"BOOBS". -- TODAY'S CHAMPION: Worst ever answer to "What do you want out
of your investments?" -- Dinosaur Comics
______
"Nerds usually harness their obsessive knowledge-mongering to a useful
end, like improving technology or making money. Geeks, though, they pour
and endless fascination with the world into purposefully constricting
channels, like collecting records or learning Klingon or building an HO
scale model of 1920's New York with toothpicks. Dorks have nothing in
common with them except for basic social ineptitude." -- Cat And Girl
______
"Piss! crap, my boy annihilated and dissects princess-knees; hurriedly a
cucumber diced that mega jolly animalistic dragon." - context-free
grammar sentence
______
"You're a great architect and a miserable human being" - Life as a House
______
"What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another
nuisance." -- Havelock Ellis
______
"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish,
and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a
consultant." - Scott Adams
______
The Limerick Formula:
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].
______
Today is Prickle-Prickle, the 58th day of Confusion in the YOLD 3174
Keep the Lasagna flying!
I know. Unless htere is a cookie monster somewhere between us
tat muches the amil.
amil/mail
muches/munches tat/that htere/there
heheh
problems? :)
* Myxie needs an ircii addon that pipes teh command line through ispell
:)
-- Seen on #Debian
____
Brief History Of Linux (#24)
Linus Torvalds quotes from his interview in "LinuxNews" (October 1992):
"I doubt Linux will be here to stay, and maybe Hurd is the wave of the
future (and maybe not)..."
"I'm most certainly going to continue to support it, until it either dies
out or merges with something else. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll make
weekly patches for the rest of my life, but hopefully they won't be needed
as much when things stabilize." [If only he knew what he was getting into.]
"World domination? No, I'm not interested in that. Galactic domination, on
the other hand..."
"Several people have already wondered if Linux should adopt a logo or
mascot. Somebody even suggested a penguin for some strange reason, which I
don't particularly like: how is a flightless bird supposed to represent an
operating system? Well, it might work okay for Microsoft or even Minix..."
"I would give Andy Tanenbaum a big fat 'F'."
____
Microsoft is not the answer.
Microsoft is the question.
NO (or Linux) is the answer.
(Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown)
_____
101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
(1) Scarecrow for centipedes
(2) Dead cat brush
(3) Hair barrettes
(4) Cleats
(5) Self-piercing earrings
(6) Fungus trellis
(7) False eyelashes
(8) Prosthetic dog claws
.
.
.
(99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
(100) Killer velcro
(101) Currency
____
What's the capitol of Haiti?
$1.50
____
QOTD:
"A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
____
Dear Mythbusters:
I'd like to know if Kari is better in bed than my last girlfriend.
My own home experiments have so far been inconclusive, as I am forced to
settle for imitation Kari, though I keep plugging away in case I might
reach a breakthrough.
____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if
you consider his age he's likely to die soon."
____
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon.
____
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
____
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman
she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
____
"`Eddies,' said Ford, `in the space-time continuum.'
`Ah,' nodded Arthur, `is he? Is he?'"
- Arthur failing in his first lesson of galactic physics in four years.
____
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!
(Sorry.)
____
Mick Jagger's first job as a teenager was at a peat harvesting facility.
He had to cut the peat into blocks, package it, and repeat. He got fired
the first day, though. Cause, you know, a Rolling Stone gathers no moss.
____
"As this graduating class enters the workforce, I would encourage you to
question authority; just don't do it on your blog site where your future
employer might see it."
____
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
____
Q: Are you a pole vaulter?
A: No, I am German and my name is Heinrich
___
Democracy is 4 wolves and a lamb voting on what's for lunch.
___
We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
__
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
__
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
__
You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2
if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each
"special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4
if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the
waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged
six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to
twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the
banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets
made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
hemorrhoids.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
__
There once was a man from Dunoon,
Who always ate soup with a fork.
He said "When I eat
Either fish, foul or flesh,
I otherwise finish too quick."
____
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
don't think.
____
Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.
(By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski)
____
Commandment #12592
Oh ye who go about saying unto each: "Hello sailor":
Dost thou know the magnitude of thy sin before the gods?
Yea, verily, thou shalt be ground between two stones.
Shall the angry gods cast thy body into the whirlpool?
Surely, thy eye shall be put out with a sharp stick!
Even unto the ends of the earth shalt thou wander and
Unto the land of the dead shalt thou be sent at last.
Surely thou shalt repent of thy cunning.
____
When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the
wrong rest room.
____
My mind is like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
____
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
____
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
____
Mother is the invention of necessity.
____
One bright Sunday morning, in the shadows of the steeple,
By the Relief Office, I seen my people;
As they stood there hungry, I stood there whistling,
This land was made for you and me.
Nobody living can ever stop me,
As I go walking that freedom highway;
Nobody living can ever make me turn back,
This land was made for you and me.
As I went walking, I saw a sign there,
And on the sign it said: "No Trespassing."
But on the other side, it didn't say nothing,
That side was made for you and me.
-- Woody Guthrie, "This Land Is Your Land" (verses 4, 6, 7)
[If you ever wondered why Arlo was so anti-establishment when his dad
wrote such wonderful patriotic songs, the answer is that you haven't
heard all of Woody's songs]
____
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
____
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it
takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
____
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get
when you don't.
-- Pete Seeger
___
Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since
the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested,"make him
a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came
in second," Palmer replied.
"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
"No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did."
__
Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
soup in a plate?
A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
___
"A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion.
Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom
they consider godfearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less
easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side."
[Aristotle (384-322 BCE), "Politics"]
___
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately,
it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating
who should be allowed to stay.
The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over
the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be
stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote
on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
___
"You can tell the WoW players because during a party, they find the
drunk girls, strip off their clothes and try to sell the fabric scraps
to the nearest vendor." - Fark.com
___
Juan and Carlos panhandle on the highway in California. Juan drives a
Mercedes and drops Carlos off at exit 9 every day before continuing to
exit 8.
At the end of every day, Juan gets a briefcase full of $10 bills and
then drives to pick up Carlos. Every day Carlos goes home with a few
dollars at the most.
One day Carlos asks Juan, "Every day we beg on the same highway and
everyday you come home with a case full of $10 bills and I come home
with nickels. What's your secret? "
Juan asked to see Carlos's sign. It read, "Will Work For Food." At that
point Juan said, "That's the problem right there." He showed Carlos his
sign: 'All I need is $10 to get back to Mexico'
___
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
__
MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be
screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.
__
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A: The impossible dream.
__
There is brutality and there is honesty. There is no such thing as
brutal honesty.
__
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
WITLESS:
Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
____
"To rebel against a powerful political, economic, religious, or social
establishment is very dangerous and very few people do it, except, perhaps,
as part of a mob. To rebel against the "scientific" establishment, however,
is the easiest thing in the world, and anyone can do it and feel enormously
brave, without risking as much as a hangnail. Thus, the vast majority, who
believe in astrology and think that the planets have nothing better to do
than form a code that will tell them whether tomorrow is a good day to close
a business deal or not, become all the more excited and enthusiastic about
the bilge when a group of astronomers denounces it."
[Isaac Asimov]
--
I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development
That' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb. Thank you.
-- Vance Petree, Virginia Power
--
If televison's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who
won't shut up. -- Dorothy Gambrell
--
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
--
Windows Airlines:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the
pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense.
Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000
feet it explodes without warning.
--
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS is trying to convince
your parents that you're Haitian.
--
"Oh great, but not necessarily superior, being who dwells beyond this plane of
existence and who is accessible only through prayer, meditation, or crystals,
we salute you without thereby acknowledging that you are entitled to greater
respect than that accorded any other endangered species. We hope to pass
through your plane of existence at some point on our psychic journey to the
same exalted status as marine mammals or even snail darters. Moreover, to the
extent your design for the universe coincides with the U.S. Constitution and
includes low-cost access to cable, we ask you to provide us our minimum daily
requirement of essential vitamins and nutrients consistent with FDA
guidelines, and when judging us be duly mindful or our status as victim, which
provides full justification for what might appear on superficial examination
to be felonious. In the same vein, we will endeavor to excuse and forgive those
who have transgressed against us, with the possible exception of our parents,
teachers, policemen and clergy about whom we have just resurrected disturbing
memories. We ask all this in the name of your prophet --------. (Here on
alternating weeks substitute names drawn from the consensus of the class. Some
suggestions for early in the year: L. Ron Hubbard, Ayatollah Khomeini,
Patricia Ireland, Mike Wallace.)"
[John F. Bramfeld, a lawyer in Urbana, Ill., as printed in "Wall
Street Journal" Pg A-18 Thurs, Jan 12, 1995, contemplating what
would happen to school prayer after it was filtered through the
apparatus of politically correct educrats.]
__
"A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird."
__
TOP TEN WAYS THE IRS CAN IMPROVE IT'S IMAGE
-----------------------------------------------
10. Change name from "I.R.S." to "F.U.N."
9. Tell dumb guys that "I.R.S." stands for "International House of Pancakes."
8. If your auditor doesn't have minty-fresh breath, you don't pay a dime.
7. New ad campaign: 3 lovable frogs that say, "I," "R," "S."
6. In addition to the short form and the long form, introduce an
extra-long form called the "Magnum."
5. Two words: deductible fudge.
4. Publish pamphlet: "101 ways to cheat on your taxes and not get caught."
3. From now on, if you're short on cash, you can pay in "good vibes."
2. Throw Leona Helmsley in jail again.
1. Stop hassling folks, dude.
__
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get
out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
card from the game Uno.
__
Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
__
The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
--
Microsoft is a cross between the Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately,
they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their
programming.
-- Simon Slavin
--
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
Therefore, all horses are black.
--
The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian
period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline,
as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a
spectator sport.
The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
castrating pigs during Sunday service.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
--
My team is better than your team. This is because of various reasons
involving factors not related to the place you or I happen to identify
with, for any number of hypothetical possibilities, up to and including
the weather where you live or where may have been raised.
Anyone associated with that team is inferior, and you are therefore
inferior by association. I think lesser of you and regardless of what
other endearing qualities you might have, I cannot like you so that I
may help further perpetuate this artificial rivalry which was started
long ago by people who have since passed on.
By conveying to you the taint of failure one member of your team has
brought upon themselves, I'm in effect saying that you are as bad as
that player, and are worthy of whatever scorn I may heap upon you.
So there.
--
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Steven Wright
--
Pittsburgh driver's test
(10) Potholes are
(a) extremely dangerous.
(b) patriotic.
(c) the fault of the previous administration.
(d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican,
imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a
big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.
--
"About half."
[Pope John XXIII, when asked how many people work in the Vatican,
from Gordon Thomas & Max Morgan-Witts, "Pontiff", p. 337]
--
fark.com Headline #4650450 - U.S. Senator Mel Martinez (R-Fla) says he's resigning, leaving
office this month
thomps: he's like a point guard, passing off the ball to his small forward so that he can
better serve florida rather than lame duck and people should leave his children alone
because we eat therefore we hunt!
Diogenes: You forgot the soldiers.
thomps: no you forgot the soldiers and that's why real america needs martinez on the
fundraising trail much more than it needs him in congress. you should be ashamed.
Diogenes: Touche! I bow to your superior Palinness.
--
bash.org #897655
I don't understand why churches and 'family groups' spend millions of dollars a year
on abstinence-only instruction when a World of Warcraft account only costs fifteen dollars a
month and has a much better record of ensuring virginity.
--
KEEPING UP WITH THE CARDASSIANS
Episode One
Garak gets busted for a DUI and is caught on tape assaulting the officer
and blaming his troubles on Klingon bloodwine. The Cardassians are
accused of using photon torpedoes on paparazzi who are trying to snap
photos of them at the Playboy Mansion.
Episode Two
A sex tape featuring Legate Damar's daughter Kata and two Ferengi club
owners circulates around the Federation of Planets. Dukat posts a rant
on his blog dissing Snoop Dogg and starts a West Coast-Delta Quadrant
rap war.
Episode Three
Legate Damar's daughters want Lil Wayne to sing at their sweet-16 party.
After much convincing, Lil Wayne agrees to do it in exchange for a
Galor-class starship with custom Romulan rims. Garak's daughter Seska
drops a record and sets out on a tour to promote her new single, "Touch
My Nebula."
Episode Four
Kata runs into the cast of The Hills at Forty Deuce and renews her fling
with Brody. They get into a fight in the parking lot and a YouTube clip
shows Kata crying and telling Brody, "I can't read your mind-I'm not a
Betazoid!"
Episode Five
The Damar girls go shopping on Rodeo Drive and their intergalactic
MasterCard is denied. They call their father, who tells them money
doesn't grow in replicators. Seska meets the Jonas Brothers on tour;
rumors of Joe Jonas caressing her neck ridges at a Grammy party surface
on Perez Hilton.
Season Finale
Kata is approached by Joe Francis to host Borgs Gone Wild 2: Resistance
to Flashing Is Futile. She accepts and has a tearful goodbye with the
Hilton sisters at a club. Seska starts dating Mickey Rourke, who
acknowledges her in an award-acceptance speech as "my ridge-headed
angel."
--
A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
should be masculine or feminine.
After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he asked.
"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were masculine."
"Unhhh... Well, why not?"
"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she go!'"
[No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
---
The problems of three billion people don't amount to a hill of beans
in this crazy world..
---
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.
---
(715): i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group
had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to
reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow
pointing to my dick.
---
the united negro college fund: helping youth
avoid being on a fox tv show on saturday nights for 25 years
---
What I Did During My Fall Semester
On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
I found a thesis topic:
How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
-- Sister Mary Elephant, "Student Statement for Black Friday"
---
"[Gold] gets dug out of the ground in Africa, or someplace. Then we melt it
down, dig another hole, bury it again and pay people to stand around
guarding it. It has no utility. Anyone watching from Mars would be
scratching their head." -- Warren Buffett
---
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your coffee. You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
"In" basket.
(d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
---
#89997 +(1595)- [X]
There were 2 people on a boat: /hop and /quit.
/hop got off, who's still on the boat?
* nipple_frog has quit IRC
---
Ironic how shit works out...my theory is
this...no matter how much life wants to fuck me in the ass,
things always turn out somewhat good
Like a metaphorical reach-around, if you
will
---
There once was a man named Bertold
Who drank beer when the weather grew cold
As he reached for his cup...
"NEEEEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!!!"
Oh, snap! You just got limerickrolled!
--
#755062 +(273)- [X]
Zedian: D&D Monopoly
Pregga Zexas: "I land at Wallstreet Avenue and roll a critical hit so
all of the orcs in your hotels die."
--
thisismykittyx: so i went into victoria's secret and asked
one of the bra-fitting ladies if they carried AAs.
thisismykittyx: and the lady goes, "try radioshack".
--
#24755 +(782)- [X]
Dude, you're an op on IRC.
You're a geek.
not really, i just gave the channel owner nude photos of my sister
Wow.
Why do you have nude photos of your sister?
--
#244654 +(160)- [X]
* ProdigalGenius (~cicilianr@resnet65-241.ucr.edu) Quit (Read error:
Connection reset by peer)
Who is peer and why is he running around the net resetting
connections?
Peer is a drunkard who beats his kids and resets
connections because his inability to retain fluids, more
specifically of an urinal nature, prevents him from remaining dry
for more than 20 minutes, causing him much ridicule and disdain.
This is a frustration which has scarred him, and some accounts
inform that he has been seen wading on his own pool of piss
screaming "I AM NO BEDWETTER I AM NO BEDWETTER".
--
雄牛ã‹ã‚‰ã®è‚¥æ–™ - fertilizer from bull
---
#16271 +(149)- [X]
im not a girl
not yet a woman
<[m1]> so you still tuck?
---
#1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag
smell like chloroform to you?
---
chickcorea1357: i was so high that the fractal elves
started asking me what the hell I had been smoking
---
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
---
[Slow modem] __
______/ |
|= | |
|= | |
|= | | __________
|______|__|(/ ^ | \\ _
)____(__ \_+ |_| \_\|| |
| `""|\/ \/ /|| |
| | ___/ /_|| |
d| | ( _uuu__)((
a| | | (______)
n| | | | ||
a| | | | _||_
| | |_|//||\\
'98|___________|/__|()()()
---
"Sunday mornings should not be spent sitting in a room with old
people pretending to talk to their invisible sky buddy."
--
#713121 +(221)- [X]
poetically kyle: my gramma's funny...we were driving
behind a short bus and she saw all the helmets and she was
like "OH LOOK! HOCKEY PLAYERS!"
--
"I still think Juggalos are an elaborate joke that will one
day culminate in the return of Andy Kaufman." - FARK.com user Ashtrey
--
"I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES
were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit
my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire
crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the
port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage."
--
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
--
On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one almost
impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe found
just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, desperate,
paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and staggered out
onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. Just as he reached
the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, sending himself,
Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law being in effect, the
clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the wreckage.
"Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
normal person?"
--
#757250 +(473)- [X]
(Deranged): If you're driving a hearse with a corpse in the
back, is it ok to use the carpool lane on the highway?
--
(206): Washington
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink
every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
--
Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
For though the world stood up
And stopped the bastard,
The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
-- Bertolt Brecht
---
The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
King: "How goes the battle plan?"
Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
K: "Yes."
A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
the dust clears."
K: "And?"
A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
---